Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
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Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Wasps: bees, but not helping
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
This will never not be funny to me.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Extremely relatable.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
decorating my apartment
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it