ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Good news
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I already tried new things thanks.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear