ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

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[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend


Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain


Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.


WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit


Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.



Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem