ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.