@NigelGrinstead

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

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@pondermymaker

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

@ZackBornstein

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

@Rollmaninoz

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

@traciebreaux

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

@StinkyGr33n

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

@Jake_Vig

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

@Book_Krazy

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

@MichaelJErhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@ThatBrenna

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.