Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.
*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.