me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
wait.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes