ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
🤣😂
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone