ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
How to woo a woman
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.