@KentWGraham

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

@lisaxy424

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

@FrogAvalanche

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

@rmfnord

“Release the Kraken!”

“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”

“Release the tuna!”

@Try2StopME

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

@XplodingUnicorn

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@i_zzzzzz

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

@CornOnTheGoblin

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

@adamgreattweet

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them