me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.