me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Seas the day!!!!
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.