me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”