Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD