me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.