Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.