Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Overindulged this afternoon.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!