ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand