Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
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Things will get butter, keep churning
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.