ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
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People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Yes, this is exactly right
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Tell me you get it…🤣
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?