ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
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cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.