Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse