Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’m not proud
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Clients after you give them your rates
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.