Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
This kid is a star!
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
3% human
97% stress
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*