Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none