ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
the saddest jazz hands ever
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now