Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Time heals everything 🙂
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
bury ourselves
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no