Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
So glad we cleared that up
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh