Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung