[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.