@QwertyJones3

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

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@bigpoppadrunk

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

@997omar

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

@katy_baybay

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

@heatherlou_

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.