[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels


*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?


Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it


Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake


every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it


The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.


So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?


I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.


Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.