[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.