@bigpoppadrunk [Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
@QwertyJones3 [Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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@bigpoppadrunk 
@Cpin42 *passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
@997omar Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
@InkTankMedia Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
@internetluke Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
@fuzzlime every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
@BuckyIsotope The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
@GuyThe_Guy So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
@katy_baybay I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
@heatherlou_ Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.