[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Me irl
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE