[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The happy life.. 😊
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️