Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.