ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
repaired
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk