Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Money is the root of all wealth
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…