Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
pelicons
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
The first one, obviously
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?