ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
some cats are just doing for fun!
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off