me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*lint rolls you awake*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.