Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”