Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
oh you don鈥檛 want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I鈥檇 give you a dollar
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn鈥檛 understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma鈥檃m, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I鈥檓 far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
What do you mean I didn鈥檛 win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker鈥檚 nose to make it look like they have a booger.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 馃憤
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Double negatives are never not confusing.