Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Duck typos.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.