Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
How did we not see this back then?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
When your parents check you’re ok.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark