Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
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I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream