Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.