me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
It do be feeling this way.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.