me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

You Might Also Like


Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.


If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.


“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me


I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.


I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.


Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight


Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.


If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?


Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.