@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

You Might Also Like

@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@ShutUpThatsWho

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@silent_musings

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

@BradBroaddus

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

@BerrymoreBlue

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

@mommajessiec

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

@TheBoydP

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.