Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.