Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”