Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Yes, but it was never about money
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.