Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard đ°
My baby:
You Might Also Like
My neighborâs wife put him on a diet so Iâm slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they donât tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Itâs hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say âsurely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.â
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
4-year-old: Whatâs that?
Me: A vegetable you wonât like. If you donât tell Mom, Iâll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5â2â. this is not the skirtâs fault
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
2020: omg weâre entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viralâŚyou have a fatal blood disease.
“So waitâmy Vine didn’t go viral?”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chopâ
Me: Iâm out.
i’m still crying at this
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.