Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.