Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.