Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
You Might Also Like
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️